Making changes

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Change can be quite daunting. I like to think that the ups and downs of parenthood, with the constant change and new phases, help build our resilience, and help us cope better with change as time goes on. I have gone through a lot of change over the past few years, and have also made quite a few changes, especially in the last year. I have been thinking about what has helped me as I make changes, both recently and in the past, and what reminders I’ve needed, or would have been helpful at the time. I wanted to share them with anyone who is currently making changes, or needs a bit of encouragement to take a leap!

Firstly, it helps to bring those closest with you in on the details so that they understand and can support you in making your changes. They might even like to join you on your journey! Or at the very least, you will have some good support and encouragement along the way.

Don’t worry about what others will think, if you are excited by the changes and they feel right for you then that is what is most important.

Try not to let questions from others make you doubt yourself. Those closest to you will question from a place of concern for you, or of course, based on their own experiences. Remember, each experience will be unique to us.

Be grateful! Especially for the support and encouragement you do receive.

Don’t compare yourself to others. It doesn’t matter if, or when, someone else made the same changes you’re wanting to make, all that matters is that it is now the right time for you.

Trust your gut and go with the flow! If it’s meant to be, it will feel effortless and flow smoothly.

Don’t feel guilty. If making your changes means letting go of some of the old to make way for the new, then let it be. Sometimes we have to do some weeding in our gardens for things to grow.

Make sure you’re happy! It is most important that you are being true to yourself.

Ask for help if you need it. If you don’t ask, how can you receive!?

Remember, there are no mistakes. Life is about learning lessons and you can always make new changes if you need to.

Good luck with making your changes, whatever they may be!

xxx

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Giving credit, where credit is due

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How often do we give ourselves a pat on the back as parents, and say, ‘You’re doing a great job!’?

When someone says, ‘You’re doing an amazing job!’, or ‘I don’t know how you do it!?’, how often do we accept the compliment, instead of shying away or politely disagreeing?

How often do we sit back and acknowledge the hard work we put in each day as parents, without criticising what we haven’t done, or feeling guilty about something?

The answer… not often enough!

We need to start giving ourselves more credit and allowing ourselves to feel proud of what we achieve each day. Raising people (little or big) is hard work! It takes a lot, and we give so much of ourselves every day, and yet we don’t take the time to celebrate our achievements. We don’t give ourselves compliments, or really accept the compliments that others give us. We don’t acknowledge that we deserve whatever little rewards we want to give ourselves, or allow ourselves the freedom to take a break (guilt free) when we need it. We don’t shout to the earth how proud we are of ourselves for just getting through each day, raising our 1, 2, or 10 children.

So let’s start making a change. The next time you’re celebrating one of your children’s birthdays or other special milestones, give yourselves a pat on the back for getting through the year or helping them achieve their milestone. If you’re at the end of a particularly tough day, take 5 for yourself once the kids are in bed and sit on the couch or soak in the bath, and acknowledge that you’ve gotten through a tough day and that you’re proud of yourself, reminding yourself that tomorrow is a new day. And even if it wasn’t a tough day, smile to yourself (maybe even with a little thumbs up) and be proud of your good day – definitely celebrate those little diamonds! If you have a partner who makes life that bit easier, don’t forget to talk to them and tell them how proud you are of them, and thank them for what they give to your family. And of course, if you receive a bit of praise, graciously accept it and say, ‘Thank you!’ with pride.

It’s also important to block out any comparison making in the process. It doesn’t matter what someone else is achieving, or what we think they might think (because often what we think they’re thinking and what they’re actually thinking are very different), we are all unique, we all do things differently, and we all have our individual circumstances. The bottom line is, we should all be proud of ourselves and we all have the right to be proud of our achievements as parents.

So whether you’re a parent to 1, or 2, or 10, or multiples, or you’ve got little babies or big adult babies… whatever your parenting, feeding, working, sleeping arrangements are… I am proud of you and I think you are doing an amazing job!

Spread the love today. Start by telling yourself how proud you are, and then tell your partner, a friend, or family member how proud you are of them too. We ALL deserve it!

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Innocence

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Going back through the photos that our boy took on his camera on our recent Zoo trip, getting to see things through his lens, I can’t help but reflect on his innocence. How free our young children are to look at things without judgement or presumptions.

I’m not sure if it’s the older I get, or the more children I have (possibly the latter as my age didn’t triple overnight, unlike the number of children we have 🙈), but I find myself challenging my reactions & thoughts more and more. In those moments where I find myself taking certain things personally and reacting defensively, I’m also trying harder to question myself and my reactions, and to reason with myself by adopting more of an ‘innocent until proven guilty’ approach.

I find myself reflecting on my own actions, you know the times where maybe I’ve looked at something and then been distracted (usually by one of my cheeky monkeys) and have forgotten to respond, or perhaps haven’t put the usual thought into my response. Or the times where something has completely gone over my ‘Mum brain’ and I’ve missed a key piece of information or an important cue. There’s also been the times when I’ve been caught up in my daily activities and I’ve forgotten to check in, or I’ve been dealing with something greater and haven’t been able to be where I’ve really wanted to be (either physically or mentally). All of these imperfect moments and actions that have taken place unintentionally, or without the intention of hurting or offending anyone.

By putting things into perspective, remembering we’re all human (and that this parenting gig is all-consuming in both amazing and challenging ways), and that the way we see things can be (and often is) so very different to those around us, I’ve found that it helps me to refocus and let go of those niggling thoughts.

Don’t get me wrong, this is still very much a work in progress, because I am exactly that (aren’t we all!?), but I’m happy that I’m in this place of challenging my thoughts and making improvements.

So, whether you’re reading this and thinking about how important the innocence of our children is, or you’re happy that someone else takes things personally (often unnecessarily), or you’re relieved that you’re not the only crazy who talks and reasons with themselves 😜, or perhaps it’s made you rethink how you’ve reacted to something – it’s important to remember to be gentle with yourself (you’re only human), and to be gentle with others, maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt (they’re only human too… I think). We’re all on this crazy ride together, so let’s relax and enjoy it 💛

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Who’s to judge?

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Judge, judged, judging and judgement. I feel these words come up all too often on the subject of parenting. Whether it be a conversation with my partner, a family member, or friend, about an experience had, a situation seen in public, something on social media etc., the question has been raised numerous times, ‘why are we judging each other?’ Parenthood is the most rewarding experience, but also the most challenging. The constant judgement by others and ourselves, makes the challenges more difficult, not to mention the impact it has on our mental health. In a world where we can communicate instantaneously, sharing every move, thought or feeling freely, I feel it is important that we talk about judgement, and without judgement.

For the sake of how we think about others and how we think about ourselves as parents, I think we need to be reminded of a few things (yes, yes, myself included). I’m not a Scientist (so no judging), but I feel it could be helpful to go back to our Science lessons at school where we learnt about controls, controlled variables and variables. If we consider the control group to be us as parents, we need to remember that there can be many different variables, and that when there are different variables in play, there will be different outcomes.

In many aspects, we parents are all the same. We are all striving to be the best we can be, and to raise our children to be the best they can be. We are all juggling a million things – finances, relationships, running our households, keeping little humans alive, etc. We are all trying to balance our needs and wants with our kids needs and wants (we know who wins here..). We all have our struggles, and we are all constantly learning about life and parenthood. As these things are often the same for us all, we could say these things are ‘controlled variables’.

Whilst we may have similarities, we most definitely have differences. We all look different, think differently and feel differently. We have different bodies that function differently, we like different things, dislike different things, have different values and beliefs etc. Just as we are all different, our journeys as parents are different too. Some of us have one child, some of us have several children. Some of us are solo parents, some of us have partners. Some of us work, some of us stay at home. Some of us have singletons, some of us have multiples. Some of us have had greater difficulty falling pregnant. Some of us have boys, some of us have girls and some of us have both. Some of us have children with special needs. Some of us have good feeders, some of us have good sleepers, some of us have neither, and some of us (you lucky ones) have both. Although I have only touched on a few, the point is that there are so many things that can be different about our situations. There are so many ‘variables’ that make our journeys unique.

The next time we look at another person, whether firsthand or online, and make judgements about them or about ourselves, let’s pause and be mindful of a few things. We have all been raised and shaped in unique ways, which means that we think differently and feel differently. After all, how boring would life be if we were all the same!? Our experiences, both the positive and the challenging are unique to us, and therefore we cannot place the same expectations on ourselves and others. Whilst our methods might be different, and we don’t yet know the results of our experiments, we all share the same goal, to raise our children to be the best they can be, and we are all learning along the way. So, let’s celebrate our differences, judge less, compliment more, share our experiences and support each other. Let’s enjoy the ride together!

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