Coming up for air

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Today, marks 2 months since our twins turned 1. Reaching that first year milestone was quite emotional for me. We had mentally prepared ourselves (as much as we possibly could) for the first year, and the huge challenges that we would face, but achieving that milestone brought about so many feelings – exhaustion, elation, new nerves for what the next year would bring… Over the last couple of months, I feel like we’ve finally had a chance to catch our breath, and I have really noticed a positive shift in myself and the family.

To start with, the household is feeling more in control… Well, as in control as we can be with 1 year old twins and a 3 year old under our roof! We feel like we’ve got a little bit (still very miniscule on some days) of order back in the house, and we are house proud again – it’s funny how you forget the positive vibe that a clean and organised house creates, especially when it’s been a long time (like a whole year) since you’ve been comfortable with how it looks, and where you’ve put things. We’ve completed some extra projects around the house, having finally claimed back our bedroom (which is something we said we’d do once our bubs were all in their own rooms), giving it a long-awaited makeover, and finished our backyard project for the kids. After a year off, we’re back to putting some advanced thought into our meals (instead of asking our 3yo son for ideas, or being reliant on the generosity of our families in those early months), and I’m taking the time to prepare some of our family favourites again.

There has also been a noticeable shift with the kids too. As they’re growing older, they’re playing together and entertaining each other more (of course, with the usual sibling arguments), which gives me a little bit more freedom to stay on top of a few things around the house during the day. I also feel I’ve been able to do a bit more with them, such as, doing some baking with our eldest, involving him in jobs around the house, or making weekly solo visits to the park with our 3 (which I’m pretty proud of!). We’ve also been on a few more family outings over the last couple of months, with our confidence growing with every successful and enjoyable event. Whilst these things might be regular activities for others (like they used to be for us), the addition of twins has meant that the ‘regular’ activities now come with an added sense of accomplishment.

The biggest change over the last couple of months is that I’m finally doing some things for me. I’ve always thought, “I’ll start looking after myself once I’ve finished having our babies” (such a ‘mum thing’ to put ourselves last isn’t it!?), but when the work clearly doesn’t stop once you’ve grown your babies, birthed them and breastfed them, it can be hard to take some much needed and deserved time for you. So, now that I’m a year in to being a Mother of 3, and in my mind our family is complete (ignoring the hubby’s whispers for another…), I’m now starting to think a bit about my needs. In the last 2 months, I’ve finally seen a physio for a postnatal check-up and 2 follow up appointments, I’ve had my hair and makeup done as part of a competition that a friend entered me into (and I was lucky to have won!), and I have had a couple of heavenly massages. Having weaned the twins, I went on my first ever girls weekend away from the kids, and I’m happy to admit that I enjoyed every minute of it! (it was so good for my soul, and the perfect amount of time for me) I have also read a book for the first time in years, made the time to write some more blogs (like this one), bought myself some new clothes (in an attempt to work out what I’m comfortable in these days), and looked into some new skin care products (to get on top of the new stress lines – thanks kids!). All of these things, that were once a higher priority for me, but had completely taken a back seat (like ‘back of the bus’ back seat), are getting some attention again, and it feels good.

For us, the last 2 months have been about taking the opportunity to come up for some air. It’s hopefully the beginning of making some positive changes to our priorities, rewarding ourselves for the challenging times, and enjoying our beautiful family. Unconsciously, we seem to make little goals for ourselves (i.e. 12 months of breastfeeding the twins, a room makeover to claim back our room), and we end up with little milestones to celebrate and to reward ourselves for achieving. I really feel that this has helped us as a family, especially my husband and I, in getting through some tough times, and I hope it will continue to help us through this next year (we’ve been told the first 2 years of twins are the most challenging, so fingers crossed we’re over the half way mark) and the many years to come. Sending extra positive vibes to all those going through some extra challenging times. I hope your opportunity to catch a breath is not too far away.

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My Year of Breastfeeding Twins

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Breastfeeding our firstborn opened my eyes to both the rewards and the challenges of breastfeeding. When we found out that we were expecting twins, I was determined that I would give it my best effort to breastfeed them too. Before they were born, I set myself a goal of breastfeeding them for 12 months, I read as much as I could find about feeding twins, and I stocked up on some essentials. With my previous experience, I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but I really had no idea what I was in for. Our fraternal girl / boy twins arrived naturally at 36 weeks (+3 days), weighing in at 2.1kg and 2.6kg, respectively, and we were very fortunate that they did not need any time in special care. We were incredibly grateful to have such a great start to the breastfeeding journey ahead.

Getting Started

The first few days (okay, okay months) were a bit of a blur. They were spent working on the twins’ attachment (after both having had tongue ties snipped at birth), hand expressing and feeding via syringes, and waiting for my milk to come in. I also had the ‘pleasant’ reminder of those afterbirth pains, which had me gritting my teeth with every feed. I was surprised by the amount of colostrum (that liquid gold!) I initially produced, and was excited at the thought of actually having enough for both babies, and was amazed at what my body could do. This excitement was dampened a little on the second night, as I recall having fed the twins all that I seemed to be able to express, but they were both still unsettled and hungry. A midwife came to check on me and suggested that I give myself a break (after all I’d just birthed twins), and give the twins a few mls of formula to help settle them and to help me get some rest. I remember feeling disappointed that I hadn’t been able to fill their bellies, but I knew that I needed this break, both physically and mentally, to get img_8994 me back on track. After a couple more days, my milk came in, and so too did my huge appetite (give me all the sushi and soft cheese please!). I was once again excited at how much I was producing for the twins, but this also came with the new challenge of getting their little mouths to attach to my very full breasts. Over the 5 days that we spent in hospital, I was very lucky to have the support of multiple midwives and lactation consultants who were all very encouraging. I used every bit of their advice and support, and was proud to be able to leave the hospital tandem breastfeeding the twins.

Coming Home

Once we settled in at home, I hit a bit of a stumbling block. I found the nipple pain to be excruciating (possibly the equivalent to walking on glass… as painful as I imagine that would be) when feeding one bub, let alone both at the same time, and I found that they weren’t feeding for very long before tiring. Through the hospitals support program, we were incredibly lucky to receive a visit from a very knowledgeable lactation consultant, only a few days into being home. Kate was fantastic! She educated me on breastfeeding premature bubs, and how our twins weren’t strong enough to breastfeed entirely on their own yet, and the importance of keeping them warm to conserve their energy (and she accepted me in my pyjamas!). She put together a feeding and pumping schedule, to help me establish a good supply, and reintroduced me to the nipple shield, which I continued to use for the next 6 months. The feeding schedule saw us waking and feeding the twins 3 hourly, and involved trying each twin at the breast, giving top up bottles of expressed breast milk, and then expressing in preparation for the next feed. The full process took approximately 1.5 hours to complete, plus any settling time required. It was incredibly exhausting and often had me questioning if I was still human or a dairy cow (I was just missing the moo). I persevered and we followed this schedule for approximately 6 weeks, until the twins were steadily gaining weight. I was then able to gradually reduce the expressing and top up bottles until we were exclusively breastfeeding.

The Early Months

Those first few months, especially the first 6 weeks, were incredibly hard (there is no sugar-coating it). With the pain I experienced upon coming home, I decided that tandem feeding wasn’t for us and that I was more comfortable and relaxed feeding the twins individually, giving each twin the attention needed to ensure they were attached properly. I created a schedule so I knew what needed to be done and when, and I kept a log book to remind me how long each baby had fed for, what top up they received, and who was on what side next (there was no way I could rely on my mushy brain to remember). I set my alarm throughout the night to mark the beginning of each feeding cycle, and now have heart palpitations if I hear that same alarm tone (the trauma from being woken after blocks of 1 – 1.5 hours’ sleep in the night). I tried multiple times to get the twins off the shield and onto the breast, but this would end in them gagging and choking. I continued to try, but I ultimately decided that if that’s what it took to be able to keep breastfeeding then I would continue to use it.

img_9726 I was constantly exhausted, and I barely left my feeding / expressing corner of the lounge, unless it was to set myself up in bed for the night-time feeds. The exhaustion often turned into delirium, and on one particular occasion, this led to my Mum searching through our bins at midnight because I thought my engagement ring had been thrown out with the rubbish (to find that it had fallen into a bag at the side of my bed). The constant feeding, along with the exhaustion, impacted on our relationship as husband and wife, as our communication began to centre around what needed to be done around the house and for the kids, and I began to feel a bit of resentment towards my husband for being able to get out of the house every day, even if it was to go to work. It also left me with little time and energy to spend with our 2yo boy, which I found really tough. The ‘mum guilt’ weighed heavily as I watched him be entertained by our supportive family, or when he would ask who was coming over to play with him each day.

We were incredibly lucky to have a huge amount of support behind us in those first couple of months so that I could focus my full attention on breastfeeding (it really is a full time job.. and then some). From home cooked meals and lactation cookies, to entertaining our 2yo (another full time job), washing bottles, and jobs around the house, the help was amazing! We were incredibly fortunate to have my Mum come and stay with us for the first 6 weeks as my husband had started a new job and couldn’t take any extra time off. She took care of everything – looking after our 2yo, listening to me countdown the weeks until I could stop breastfeeding, and giving me a constant supply of nursing tea, lactation cookies, food and water to satisfy my huge appetite and give me enough energy to keep feeding (and of course, the added searching through the rubbish bin at midnight). She also helped out during the night / early hours of the morning, giving top up bottles and settling the twins. She was absolutely AMAZING, and I will be forever grateful for her support and encouragement.

Well Established

After those first few months, I found things got a bit easier (as easy as breastfeeding twins can get!) and I gained a bit more energy back (hooray to conversing like an adult again… well almost). At 6 months, img_0439 after a lot of perseverance, the twins started attaching without the shield which made things a bit easier, and it meant one less thing to worry about. From about 8 months, I decided to give them a dedicated side each, as I felt comfortable that their necks were strong and didn’t need the rotation for development, they could regulate their own supply, and I didn’t have to think about what side each one needed to be on. I tandem fed occasionally if I found them both to be too impatient, but for the most part I continued to feed them individually, and I like to think I’ve taught them some patience by having to wait for their turn.

We went through the different phases of getting distracted by other sounds while feeding, little hands poking and smacking me in the face, mid-feed conversations, etc. I’ve been no stranger to the pain of being used as a teething toy, or the ‘joys’ of mastitis. There were certainly days where I was beyond exhausted and wanted to give up, was frustrated at being the ‘milking cow’ and the only thing that could settle the twins, or didn’t think I could continue giving so much of myself to something I didn’t entirely enjoy. It was at these times that I would need to remind myself of my goal, why I was persisting (to give the twins all the benefits of breastfeeding), and how far I’d come. After all the initial effort, and the challenges along the way, it really became completely natural and I would just feed them both without giving it a second thought (often saying ‘NEXT!’ on the occasions that hubby was there to pass the next twin to me). It wasn’t until my sister reminded me one day that 3 feeds a day for twins was really still 6 feeds a day that I stopped to give myself some credit for the hard work I had put in.

“I did it!”

To say I am proud that I was able to achieve my goal of breastfeeding our twins for their first 12 months would be an understatement. I am amazed at what our bodies can do (even my small-breasted, petite body!), to carry twins and then being able to feed them too, and I am amazed at how far my determination got me. Although I was counting down the weeks from the very beginning, and there were A LOT of testing moments, I enjoyed developing a special bond with our twins and I am thrilled that I was able to give them all the benefits of breastfeeding. Getting to 12 months, really wasn’t easy, but I have learnt a lot about myself on the journey and I can say that I am also better off for the experience. With relentless determination and excellent support, from both professionals and family, of which we are so thankful for, I proved to myself that breastfeeding twins is possible, and I that I can achieve anything that I set my mind to!

Sending positive vibes and loads of encouragement to all mums currently on their breastfeeding journeys. Keep going! You are amazing!

“It looks like there’s 2 in there”

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Our journey to having twins began on Christmas Day in 2015. I snuck out of bed early to take a pregnancy test, hopeful for a positive result so that I could give hubby (Adam) an extra special Christmas present. My eyes lit up when I saw the 2 lines and I quickly wrapped it up and put it under the family’s Christmas tree (it is tradition for the 4 daughters, our partners and kids to all stay over at my parents on Christmas Eve). When it came to opening his gift, Adam was completely surprised and ecstatic! It made for an extra special Christmas Day, sharing our news with our immediate families.

I went off to the doctors in the first week of January and booked a dating scan for the 14th, when I would be approximately 7 weeks pregnant. After experiencing the heartbreak of a miscarriage only 4 months earlier, we decided that Adam and our son (who was 18mo at the time) would come along for support. I drank the required amount of water and was both nervous and uncomfortable (the pain of a full bladder!) on the journey to the radiologist. When my name was called, the 3 of us went into the room and my heart raced. I laid down on the table, hoping only to hear a strong heartbeat, as the radiographer started ultra-sounding. She was concentrating hard but wasn’t saying much. Eventually she asked me if I would be comfortable having an internal, and based on my past experience, I immediately questioned (in a shaky voice) if there was something wrong, while Adam squeezed my hand. To our complete shock, she replied “things look good, it just looks like there’s 2 in there”. Adam and I looked at each other in disbelief. All at once we were picking our jaws up off the floor, bursting out laughing, and saying “Oh sh*t!”, “Oh my god! Oh my god!” I raced off to empty my bladder for the additional ultrasound and then it was confirmed, we were having fraternal twins!!

We finished up and slowly walked out to the car. We were absolutely dumbfounded. Twins didn’t run in the family, and it didn’t even cross our minds that this could be a possibility. I remember saying, “we went into the scan hoping for a healthy baby (embryo) with a strong heartbeat, and here we are now with 2!!” We sat in the car and started making phone calls, with the first to my Mum of course! She had only just asked that morning about organising time off work around when we were due, so we jokingly said that she might need to take more time off than planned, and she guessed it, twins! She was very excited! I remember speaking with my Dad who was in just as much shock as we were and he just laughed. My in-laws were also very surprised and absolutely thrilled. We had some fun with our siblings by asking them strange questions and sending them cryptic photos (2 eggs, 2 baby hats, some scrabble letters..) until they decoded our messages (it didn’t take long!) and joined us in disbelief. We told a few close friends who were equally dumbfounded. Everyone had their own concerns and questions, ‘How are you going to sleep them? You’ll need 2 cots.’ ‘How are you going to fit 3 car seats in your car?’ ‘You’ll need a bigger pram!’ We were in shock, so we did what we did best (pre-kids) and we went out for dinner to celebrate. We needed time to process things ourselves, so we decided to wait until our follow up scan a week later before we told any other family.

Over the weeks that followed we were a bundle of mixed emotions. Every time we said the word “twins” we paused and laughed. I tried very hard to stay focused on all the positives and the excitement that we were feeling. I kept wanting to switch to task mode and to start getting things organised (because there was so much to do!!) but I also knew I didn’t want to get ahead of myself and I needed to stay relaxed. Well, as relaxed as someone can be when they’re expecting twins… and have an 18 month old.

There were so many thoughts going through my head, some positive and some not so positive. In moments of fear I would catch myself thinking, ‘why me?’, and then I’d feel guilty for feeling like that after our recent miscarriage and when others were struggling around us. At other times I’d be over the moon at how blessed we were. I’d be amazed that we were having twins and that our little family wouldn’t be so little anymore, and only in a matter of months! I would go crazy thinking about how we were going to cope and all the work that would be involved and the help we’d need, having to give myself a little pep talk about staying positive and putting out good vibes. My heart would ache at the thought of not having any time for my little boy when the twins arrived, but explode with thoughts of him being a big brother to 2 siblings and how excited he’d be. I’d go to sleep wishing only to have 2 happy and healthy babies and that I could keep growing them inside me for as long as possible. I was both so excited but so nervous at the thought of how much our lives were about to change, it was an emotional rollercoaster.

My advice to anyone expecting twins would be to enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible and to celebrate the miracle of growing 2 babies at once. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for being blessed twice and don’t let anyone dull your excitement. Try to stay calm and not let your thoughts and to-do lists overwhelm you. If you need to, then ask for help. You will eventually need to lean on others for support so you may as well get some practice in. When I was pregnant, I was told by someone with twins that it would be more than double the work, and whilst this is true, I wish they’d also told me it would be more than double the joy. Having twins has been our biggest challenge, but it has also been the best thing to happen to our family and we couldn’t be happier! Good luck on your journey! We wish you all the happiness and good health.